It’s been hard getting a job in this climate. Hard for everyone I know, which makes it more tolerable as I’m not the only one. After a long day of applications, I went for a walk and listened to a podcast that prompted me with, “What can you do, that only you can do?”
I have deep desire inside of me to create something compelling. It’s is a fundament of what makes me, me. It is something that I hope to bring to every open person that I meet. I considered that the world is at a point in time where the only thing making people feel okay is that the seemingly inauspicious era of time that is now is not going to last forever. I noticed that when people were asking me what I was doing during the pandemic, I’d say things that alluded to my existential interim. In other words I was going about my day acting as though I was bound to societies’ perceived pause. I was doing “what I could” within the box of not knowing how my life would change as a result of unprecedented external factors. So instead of being complacent to that, what would happen if I did something that was unprecedented for me personally, instead of obediently waiting for the end of temporary. Maybe if I step out side of what I once knew to be true of myself, I would be riding the wave of the collective shift the universe has put us through. How could I match the frequency of the pandemic, and inversely use it’s stillness in my individual existence to create momentum? How could I align with a reality that wouldn’t have been possible for me before?
I know myself to be a private person. I considered that a creative outlet that is authentic to me and embraces my personal ideologies might feel too provocative. To extend myself this way would mean that a part of my identity would feel challenged. It took a lot for me to shut up my ego mind saying “no, you’re good right where you are, and tbh sweets you should really keep your weirdness to yourself” and a million other fear-based thoughts that kept me writing, draft after draft, and saying to myself, “tomorrow I’ll be ready to feel seen.” It wasn’t easy to jump into a place of not knowing what would happen if I made this vault of mine accessible, and listen to my higher self that was screaming at me: “the only thing you’re going to regret is that you didn’t do it sooner.” Sure, it gave me a conduit to daily productivity. But, not inviting other people into my experience kept me in scarcity as opposed to abundance. I’d like to have people think I posted this website without a shred of hesitancy. I wish I wasn’t at all scared to show people my “woo woo” self that believes wholeheartedly in the cosmic realm. But I was scared, and did it anyway.
The reason I am writing this is because I want everyone to know that if there is something you feel called to do, create, say, produce, act in, post about, or seek that you might think its unusual for you, etc., it’s going to be scary, but you have to push. You have to push your mind away, mute the chatter, and allow your body to take action for your soul if it knows doing so will help you grow into yourself. Or, sorry, but someone else will, and you will envy their experience. You know damn straight it is inside of you, but because you procrastinated, you will sink deeper into your own anonymity. I once snoozed and losed on submitting a speech on something I was very passionate about at the time, and I sat with myself as I laid wide awake in the night knowing someone else stepped up first. I said never again will I ignore my call to action. You have to push past the grip of other people’s expectations for you and reconsider their effect on the choices you’re making for yourself. You don’t have to go by the book; look at the world right now. No one really anticipated the pandemic chapter. You can be anyone you want. That’s the point of unconditional love. Make every decision according to what you know in your heart is your truth. The push is the only way we can create a reality that is authentic to ourselves. The push to act in alignment with who we are is the only way to nip regret in the butt. Everyday, you can recommit to the contract the universe made with you the second you came into it, which is to be exactly who you are. I just had to realize that the unexpected stillness of time didn’t postpone the terms of that contract. It just gave me the gift of comprehending it a different way. And included a section about the growth of some bigger balls.
I have always, always known one thing. At 22, I can say I’ve been in and out of quite a few phases, but there is one thing about who I am and will always be that has never, and will never falter: I want to be a part of something that is so much greater than me. I want to talk about deep meaning. I want other people to recognize how much insurmountable beauty there is in and around them, waiting patiently for their conscious vivication. I want to wear a hat in the process of creating something stunningly powerful of which I helped ignite the origin. I feel blessed when I get to absolve what others project outward and integrate from their experience what makes sense according to my own. It’s a form of transcendence that anyone can have access to the moment they make the decision to open. It’s like experiencing someone’s essence being birthed. See that? If it is worth creating, it will involve a push.
For any situation I’ve had in life, pushing outward from my heart space and placing that energy into words brings resonance to everything. Using language to relate to other people has always relinquished me of pain, fear, ambivalence, and all the things that hold me back, and wend me in the direction of growth. Doing so makes me feel the most like myself, and makes me feel aligned with what I’m here to do. I once used my heart to fuel a letter to my step-brother in order to repair our broken relationship. I brought up the most intricate details of our childhood together that it was borderline embarrassing. I let him see the inside, the parts that ached to reach him, and let my pride dissipate on the page. Me initiating the destruction of our barrier, and submitting my heart out gave us both peace in the end. That’s not something I could ever regret fighting for.
People work their entire lives to achieve a sense of peace later. Governments (supposedly) strive to create peace on Earth. For me, doing what only I can do is write from my heart, and submit myself fully to whoever wants to read the things I have to say. That’s like writing a letter that is open to for the universe to mirror back to me. If I’m doing that, aren’t I equating to my individual definition of peace on earth?
Isn’t that the reason we’re even here at all?